Redefine expectations to cope with loss

During the holidays, many people are dealing with loss and are often caught in a dilemma between the need to grieve and the pressure to get into the spirit of the season. Holidays or not, if you're grieving the loss of a loved one, it's important to find ways to take care of yourself. These guidelines may be helpful:

Give yourself permission to scale back on activities if you want to. Redefine your holiday expectations. This can be a transition year to begin new traditions and let others go.

Select a candle in your loved one's favorite color and scent. Place it in a special area of your home and light it throughout the holidays, signifying the light of the love that lives on in your heart.

Give yourself permission to express your feelings. If you feel an urge to cry, let the tears flow. Scientists have found that certain brain chemicals in our tears are natural pain relievers.

Shakespeare once said, "Give sorrow words …" Write an "un-sent letter" to your loved one expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her at this moment. Then put the letter in a drawer, leave it at a memorial site, throw it away, or even burn it and let the ashes rise symbolically.

Call family members or dear friends and share your feelings. If they knew him or her, consider asking them to share some memories of times they shared with your loved one.

If you live within driving distance of the cemetery, decorate the memorial site with a holiday theme, such as with flowers, garlands, evergreen-branches, pinecones or a miniature Christmas tree. Decorating the site can be helpful in celebrating your loved one's life during the holidays, and may free you to cherish the present holiday with your remaining family.

Give money you would have spent on gifts for your absent loved one to a charity in your family member's name. Consider donating money to the public library to buy a particular book, and have the book dedicated to your loved one's memory. Buy a present for a child who would not otherwise have a gift during the holiday season.

If you or someone you care about is having difficulty coping with grief and loss, Bonner Community Hospice is available to help by calling (208) 265-1179. Hospice and palliative care professionals have always recognized the need to provide emotional and spiritual support to those who are grieving - especially during the holiday season.

Lynda Metz is the director of community development at Bonner General Hospital. The information in this article was reprinted from Bereavement Magazine's "Ways to Cope with Holiday Grief."