Help wanted: The right person needed for perfect job

I was spending some well earned time in my rocking chair the other day and a thought sneaked in.

I got to thinking about the shaky job situation in our present time and I wondered if there still existed an ideal and secure job. After some deep consideration the answer came, and it was yes.

There are a few great jobs that become available periodically on a national level. The reason so many people fail in getting these employment plums is because they are blessed, or cursed, with honesty and integrity.

If you have been taught right from wrong, and if you have a real concern for your fellow man, then you need not apply because your chances of landing one of these cushy jobs are nil.

Now there have been a few honest people who somehow got hired by mistake but they usually don't last long because the other employees see that they are either expelled or ostracized.

If you are still interested, let me share the requirements and benefits of said employment.

You have to be a talker. The ability to think is not necessary but you do have to have the ability to produce verbal eruptions on a moment's notice.

One necessary requirement for the job is to have the ability to lie with a straight face while manifesting a great deal of religiosity, patriotism, commitment and enthusiasm.

If you have your eye on one of these perfect jobs you must like to travel. There will be many trips to exotic lands to “see first hand” what is going on that might interest the people back home.

You won't be lonely because there will be other members of your company with you searching for the facts - where's the best place to eat, is the wine and liquor the best obtainable, will they get a group together for a photo to send back home to show how hard I am working.

It really doesn't make much difference what you do while on the trip but you must find a camera to record a minute or two of you playing the expert on whatever land you are visiting.

In fact, you can stay in the bar the whole time and if you are sober enough to say a few words, make a promise or two, you will be successful.

The travel requirements also include numerous trips to the home office(s) that are maintained for you in your home state. By the way, while travelling by air it is advisable to avoid the airport restrooms.

The job demands a great amount of hand-eye coordination. The ability to look at a camera with an expression of intelligent uselessness while keeping one hand moving above a table while the other is grasping under the table. I am sure there are other requirements in getting one of these dream jobs but space does not permit listing them. I do want to mention the benefits that come with this line of work.

Others pay for all that super first-class travel you will be doing and you will receive a per diem that will far exceed your expenses. The company will see that you are wined and dined with the Big People of every country you bless with your presence. When you travel to your “Home Office(s)” you will only have to check on your staff, that is paid for by others, and show up at the office long enough to exercise the under the table hand.

You can expect free medical coverage for you and your family, cheap meals at work, a great salary for just showing up when you want to, and people lined up to shake your upper and lower table hand.

After one session on the job you will retire with an obscene retirement package. And guess what, you will be able to give yourself a raise anytime you want one.

Now folks, here comes the really good part. If you want to look for a bigger, better, more illustrious job, you can do so and still keep the job you were hired to do, or not do, during the whole time you are away from the shop.

Not only that, you don't have to spend any of your money while seeking new employment because other people pay all your expenses.

And folks, hold on to your hats, for the next thing you learn will make you want to trot down and immediately sign up.

If you have been on the job you are leaving for just a short period of time you will get a great retirement. And then, if you get the big catbird job, and stay there just four years, you will get another retirement package you will find hard to believe.

If you think you qualify for one of these jobs then go down to your local employment office and sign up. Tell them you want to be a public servant. They will ask you what breed you want and you must answer either Senator or Representative. They might ask your nationality and be sure to answer either Republican or Democrat. Being an American is so old-fashioned these days. Good luck.