Are you big enough to downsize

Dear Geezer,

My mother's health is fragile enough that my brother and I believe she would benefit by moving from her home to an assisted living facility. But she resists leaving our family home of nearly 50 years. Mom and my brother live in a city in another state. Is there anything I can do long-distance?

Jackie

Dear Jackie,

Perhaps you could start a “long-distance caregivers' support group.” (I'm only half-teasing. There might be some value to other adult children in a similar situation getting together like that. Let's think about it together.)   

In the meantime, there are a few things you could try. First of all, consult with your mom's doctor to be sure that her health issues will be best served by the move you suggest.

I know you want her to be safe and cared for. But her reluctance may be reduced when she knows her doctor also believes such a move is in her best interest.

Secondly, take seriously her reluctance to leave her home and long-time “possessions.” Even if her home furnishings may not have much extrinsic value, they embrace years of memories that give her life its primary meaning.

She would undoubtedly have to down-size, taking only those essential furniture pieces and personal items that will fit into her new living space. To down-size is fairly easy for some persons, but incredibly difficult for others. You and your brother know best how to help your mother “adjust to the adjustment.”

Age-related adjustments are part of a very real grieving process. Saying good-bye to special furniture is often little different from saying good-bye to a special friendship. The grief can often linger well beyond the physical act of separation.

So “walking” with your mother as she struggles to regain her emotional balance is so important. That walk will be as unique as your relationship with her. If she does make this kind of move, be gentle with her when she needs gentleness. Be firm with her when she needs your strength.

I hope you can teach each other that while someone else can take something from you, only you can let it go.

Paul Graves, M.Div., is founder of Elder Advocates, Inc., a consulting ministry on aging issues. Contact him at elderadvocates@nctv.com or (208)-610-4971. His column can also be read online at www.bonnercountydailybee.com/blogs.