Kinderhaven saves 'throw-away kids'

SANDPOINT — The stories of cruelty defy belief. Even more so because they are all true and all happened here in our own backyard.

A 3-year-old swung by his feet and struck against a wall because the mother who had not fed him grew tired of hearing him cry when he was hungry. A girl of 6 whose father routinely tied her to a tree and used her as a target for pieces of the firewood he was splitting. The child whose parents plunged him head first into the outhouse as a form of punishment, or the one who, after having an accident, was forced to wear those soiled pants on his head for the rest of the day.

Sadder still are the stories of sexual abuse. A little girl cowers under the covers, shivering despite the multiple layers of clothing she had put on and cinched tight with a belt around her waist. Asked why she had dressed in this way instead of wearing the pajamas laid out for her, she barely stuck her nose out of the blankets to whisper:

“Bad things happen in bed.”

That is how the people at Kinderhaven first tucked her into bed after she had been removed from a home poisoned by abuse. Down the two hallways that lead from the kitchen and living room of this group foster home, rows of bedroom doors that have belonged to other children like the ones who lived through the stories above.

And since 1996, Kinderhaven has loved and healed and helped more than 1,300 others whose abuse has sometimes been even worse.

“I don’t think it really sinks in until you hear the horrible specifics,” said Kim Diercks, president of the Kinderhaven board of directors. “Physical abuse, sexual abuse, growing up in a drug environment — and the vast majority of the kids we see have been through all of the above.”

In many cases, these are children who were not only lucky to get out of the homes where the abuse took place, they were lucky to get out alive. But even after they accept that no one is going to reach out and strike them at any time, that the years of being terrified of going to bed or getting undressed to take a bath for fear of being sexually abused are behind them, the emotional wounds are wide open.

“Kids blame themselves for the abuse — they think there’s something wrong with them,” said Phyllis Horvath, executive director for Kinderhaven. “But if you can give them unconditional love, cry with them, praise them and show them a different picture of themselves, they begin to feel differently about themselves.”

Once out of harm’s way, most children are placed in foster homes after staying at Kinderhaven for an average of 4-6 months, said program director Tami Burnham. At times, they have stayed longer.

“We had a teen mom who came here at 16 with a new baby and left at 18 with her daughter,” she said.

In the interim — like any of the teens who wind up at Kinderhaven — she learned to cook in a separate kitchen used for that purpose, was taught the importance of sitting down with her child to share a meal, and received instruction in how to keep a budget and maintain a home.

“What she learned was life skills,” said Horvath.

First and foremost, the children get a safe environment, a clean place to live, food and clothing — the foundations of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. From there, the other building blocks move into place as each child develops relationships that lead to self-esteem.

“This becomes an extended family,” Horvath said. “I like to say that we’re like a bunch of aunties, helping to raise them.”

Kinderhaven gives enormous credit to the teachers, counselors and staff at Farmin-Stidwell Elementary School, where its young residents go to learn each day, for acting as partners in that process.

“You know that saying, ‘It takes a village to raise a child?’” the executive director asked. “Well, we couldn’t do it without the help of the staff at Farmin-Stidwell.”

Because Kinderhaven is staffed 24 hours a day, every day of the year, the costs of caring for children in critical need mount quickly. A total of five staff members work rotating schedules to ensure constant coverage and once the number of children reaches eight or more, the facility has to be double-staffed.

In that situation, the average expense level of $17,000-$20,000 a month climbs along with the higher level of need.

Such has been the case for the past two years, in connection with what Kinderhaven officials consider one of their shining moments.

“We are proud to have never said ‘no’ to a kid because we had to double staff,” Diercks said, adding that a positive response was in order when a family of six children, ranging in age from four months to 13 years, was rescued from an abusive home.

“We knew it was going to hit us financially, but being able to keep those kids together and keep them safe has been our biggest success story,” the board president said.

Diercks puts a positive spin on the fact that Kinderhaven now finds itself $70,000 in the hole because of its success in helping children and, in many cases, saving them. Each year, the organization has raised ample funds from its Festival of Trees event at Christmas, but increased need and a down economy created a shortfall this season.

In response, Kinderhaven is mounting a communitywide fundraising effort in concert with April’s national Child Abuse Prevention Month activities (see sidebar).

By raising a few dollars at a time from people who believe in helping children, a confident Horvath explained, the shortfall can be covered and the work can continue.

“This place has been going on since 1996 because of the generosity of this community — that’s where 80-90 percent of our budget comes from,” she said. “We have big donations and small donations and it all helps.”

Oh, and about those kids we met earlier — the toddler received speech therapy and special tutoring for the injuries he received and is older now and doing well in school. One of the boys now loves taking a hot bath more than anything in the world. The other revels in wearing clean clothes to school. The little girl sleeps peacefully now and runs around in her pajamas on Saturday mornings with the rest of the kids at Kinderhaven.

“These could have been ‘throw-away’ kids,” Horvath said. “These are children who would have been thrown away if we weren’t here.”

For information about Kinderhaven or to make donations, call (208) 265-2236 or visit: www.kinderhavensandpoint.com