Hospice care may not begin until after death

A patient is terminally ill. Palliative care is in order. Bonner Community Hospice is contacted and immediately the resources of more than 75 volunteers are available to guide the patient, family and friends through the process of dying. And, a process it may be; one of putting one’s life in order and completing unfinished business.

But, sometimes the process doesn’t happen. The patient is instead a victim. The death is unexpected, accidental, suicide or murder. Suddenly the surviving loved ones are thrown into the chaos of grief without any warning that it’s coming. What then?

“We think it’s a privilege to be invited into someone’s life at such a vulnerable time,” Lissa DeFreitas, volunteer coordinator of Bonner Community Hospice said.

“Death is not an easy subject for any of us. At hospice we realize how we impact the community and how we impact people by providing support to the community and keeping the community connected. We have resources, time and experience sharing life issues and bereavement issues.”

She explained that hospice offers support through scheduled programs such as the adult grief group, for those who’ve lost a spouse or parent, that meets the first and third Thursday of each month at 6 p.m. and the parent’s grief group, for those who’ve lost children, that meets the first and third Tuesday at 7 p.m. Both of these groups meet in the Brown House just north of Bonner General Hospital.

Hospice also sponsors a Kid’s Camp each summer for children who have experienced the death of a loved one, and a Grief Acceptance Class for adults. All of these programs stress learning to cope and what DeFreitas described as “companioning in grief.”

“We are dealing with end of life issues, so let’s respond today and be that companion,” DeFreitas said. “We want to be of service to people in deepest pain; those who don’t know how to express what it’s like to grieve.”

The Center for Grief and Healing describes the myths and facts about grief:

Myth: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

Myth: It’s important to “be strong” in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

Myth: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

Myth: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

The point DeFreitas wants to make is that hospice is here for the whole community because it’s a part of the whole community and is responsible to the whole community. She describes the relationship as “teamship.”

“This is what I love about hospice. Our philosophy and consciousness is truly based on grassroots and a sense of community facing death together,” DeFreitas said.

For more information about the services that hospice provides, or for information about volunteer opportunities with hospice contact DeFreitas at 265-1185.

Kathy Hubbard is a member of Bonner General Hospital Foundation Board Advisory Committee. She can be reached at 264-4029 or kathyleehubbard@yahoo.com.