What you need to know about domestic violence
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about one in four women and one in ten men have been victims of sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime. In addition, over 43 million women and roughly 38 million men experience psychological aggression, of which 11 million women and five million men say they first experienced domestic abuse before they were 18.
Something tells me you’re not surprised at those statistics. I wasn’t, but it did make me curious to know why people become abusive, what are the warning signs and what to do if you become a victim.
I’ll answer that last question first. If you are in crisis, contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or www.TheHotline.org. They will provide information about local resources, how to safely extricate yourself from the situation and how to protect your children, your finances, and your pets.
Lundy Bancroft is an author, workshop leader, and consultant on domestic abuse. In his book, ‘Why Does He Do That?’ he says, “One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship.
“An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So, when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.”
Lundy uses the pronoun “he/him” because the major percent of abusers are male. Note that I said “major.”
DomesticShelters.org says, “Generally, abusers use abusive tactics to gain and keep control over a partner for personal benefit. An abuser wants a survivor to: Comply with their demands; cater to them; be subservient or submissive to them; allow unlimited access to a survivor’s time and attention, money, and their body; keep the survivor’s life centered around the abuser.”
“Domestic violence is a choice that abusers make, regardless of what they’ve gone through in their own lives, regardless of abuse or mental health issues, and regardless of anything the survivor does or says. Abusers still choose to abuse,” they say.
The list of factors that often contribute to a person becoming an abuser is extensive. Hotline.org says, abuse is a learned behavior. Some people witness it in their own families growing up; others learn it slowly from friends, popular culture, or structural inequities throughout our society. No matter where they develop such behaviors, those who commit abusive acts make a choice in doing so — they also could choose not to.
“There are many people who experience or witness abuse who use their experiences to end the cycle of violence and heal themselves without harming others. While outside factors (including drug or alcohol addiction) can escalate abuse, it’s important to recognize that these issues do not cause domestic abuse themselves.”
This leads me to ask, what are the warning signs, the red flags, if you will? How do you know your partner may be a potential abuser? The hotline.org says that even one or two of the following behaviors could be a portent to violence: “Telling you that you never do anything right. Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them.
“Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members, or peers. Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people. Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school.
“Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses. Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with. Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.
“Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions. For example, insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets. Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace. Destroying your belongings or your home.”
The Hotline is open round the clock, and so is Bonner General Health Emergency Department. If you need help, please reach out for it.
Kathy Hubbard is a member of the Bonner General Health Foundation Advisory Council. She can be reached at kathyleehubbard@yahoo.com.
