Give the freedom to both do, be

Terry and I have our personality differences, but there are many times that it has benefited us. One example came up in a recent conversation.

I was reading to him from an opinion column on raising kids. It included a book quote from “Far From the Tree” which states, “All parenting turns on a crucial question: to what extent parents should accept their children for who they are, and to what extent they should help them become their best selves.”

Terry commented, “I flubbed up.” He didn't — he is a great dad and I'll get four echoes on that — yet I knew what he was talking about. He felt he sometimes engaged in “dad box” construction. Expecting — or attempting to shape — our kids to be more like he is.

I came up with a sudden, surprising insight that explained our parenting for both of us — even now with our quartet in their 40s. Going by our temperaments I said, “I freed you up to let the kids be, and you freed me up to let the kids do.” Children need both.

I'm cautious — but I didn't really want to raise cautious kids who were afraid to try new things, or just afraid period — or couldn't get out there on their own and be daring and adventurous if they so desired. Hesitations I felt in myself. It was Terry's idea to move to Alaska — a place oozing daring and adventure in its very name. He supported all sorts of endeavors the kids wanted to try. He made sacrifices, again and again, for his daughters and son — even pulling off some supreme dad rescues.

The result is we have offspring who are confident and able to do and accomplish. Not, of course, without their share of mishaps and mistakes. Our youngest, a registered nurse, is signed up with Samaritan's Purse to work in a field tent in Ukraine the next time there is a crisis need. I'm thinking, “Yikes!” But this is a “do” she's called to do. I wouldn't dream of talking her out of it.

I am the parent who could tune in to moods and see what the kids needed — who could appreciate their individual traits, and their likes and dislikes. Not that I did that perfectly. I see now there were things I could have followed up with more, and things that I hindered. But overall, I held the philosophy of trying to understand the spirit of each child and allow them to flourish, while also providing guidance. I let them be. I was interested in their interior life. I was the more patient parent.

Between us, and the strengths we each brought, our children have thrived. None of them parents just like we did. Each generation has things they want to add or subtract from the parenting “equation” with which they were raised.

When the freedom to be and do in a family is squelched, it becomes a tragedy that keeps on circling. A new year is an opportunity for fresh vision — to look at what is — and see what can be — and find those first steps called courage to change. Steps that steady as I go and walk me right into the family becoming its “best self.”