Let’s bring aging out of the shadows

I’m not keeping track of my conversations in recent weeks, so it may just be my imagination that more people are visiting with me about what it’s like to get older, and old. These visits have had a tap-dance quality to them – as in “tap-dancing around” age-related issues we’re not comfortable with. Oh, we do have moments of courage when we hold other aging issues in our arms for a slow dance.

So I invite you to join me in a few minutes of reflection — not on specific aging challenges so much as on why those issues matter to us. And matter they do! Please join me in looking at the “whys” of our inner reactions to our aging.

I was very recently introduced to author and retired psychotherapist Connie Sweig, a thoughtful writer who seems eager to explore aging in the shadows. Her 2021 book, "The Inner Work of Age: Shifting From Role to Soul", speaks pretty clearly about how “shadow-work” lets us discover more purpose and meaning in our aging experiences.

She gets right to the crux of our aging anxiety when she says this about one of our chronic fears about retirement and getting older: “… Most of us learn that being independent, quick, productive, and strong are highly valued and result in rewards of approval and status.

On the other hand, we learn that their opposite traits—dependent, slow, unproductive, and weak—are devalued and result in disapproval and shame. Naturally, we dread the loss of these socially acceptable traits as we age, slow down, do less, and need others more.”

We find ways to deny those feelings of being unproductive, don’t we. We even try to believe they don’t bother us as much as they do when we live alone in the shadows of our twilight hours.

I was taken by a particular sentence written in the forward to Dr. Sweig’s book. The forward was written by Dr. Harry Moody, a gerontologist I took some training with a few years ago. Here, Harry asks: “What is it like internally to make a shift from unconscious senior, living in denial, to conscious Elder, living with deep awareness and sharing her gifts?”

Do you have moments yourself when you are more conscious than unconscious about your own aging? Are there times when instead of denying your age, your aches and pains, your fears, you intentionally look for the gifts that you used to share and now want to share them again?

You may have to dig through the pile of age-induced fears that you try to throw in the corner of the room, but never succeed in throwing in the garbage where they belong. You may need to call in a friend or family member you know loves you (for all your wrinkles) to help you sort through those fears and your self-talk that denies your inner strength.

The “deep awareness” that Harry Moody identifies touches on who we are beneath our fears and the negative age-based attitudes we’ve accumulated over recent years. Beneath those attitudes and fears is who we really are, not what society has said about us in our aging years. We are simply persons of deep-down worth, persons valued by others not for what we can do, but for who we are.

Paul Graves, M.Div., is Lead Geezer-in-Training for Elder Advocates, a consulting ministry on aging issues. You can contact him at 208-610-4971 or elderadvocates@nctv.com.