I’d rather kiss a goat

There are very few things in my life I regret; at least that I can remember.

What I regret the most is that The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage never met my good old Uncle Fred. If she had met him, she would understand me more than she does today. She would understand why I am as crazy as I am. The problem is, she still would want to try to fix me.

One phrase I remember the most about Uncle Fred is, "I'd rather kiss a goat." I cannot tell you how many times I heard him say this. Where he got this phrase is a mystery to everyone who knew him.

If someone invited him to an activity he did not want to attend, he usually would respond by saying, "I'd rather kiss a goat."

People would smile because nobody had any idea what he was saying.

A friend once asked him, "Fred, will you watch the football game tonight?"

Looking at him as seriously as possible, Fred said, "I'd rather kiss a goat."

As a teenager, I spent time with him working in his garden one summer. He had a fantasy for garden work. If it could be planted, he would plant it. He had the best garden in the whole neighborhood at the time. Some plants in his garden I could not identify. Years later, much to my dismay, I found what some were, which explained a lot.

While spending time with him, I asked, "Uncle Fred, what do you mean when you say, I would rather kiss a goat? Do you really mean that?"

"Well, son," he said rather slowly, "it's a very interesting thing.

I have no idea what it means, and the people I say it to have no idea what I mean." He finished by laughing hysterically.

It was the summer before Uncle Fred died that we had our family reunion. Just about everyone was there, and it was the last one that I got to go to.

Everyone was there except my grandfather. He was Fred's brother. Nobody knew where he was and was concerned because he never missed a family reunion.

Then, out of nowhere, my grandfather drove in, and in his truck was a goat. So he got out of the truck, brought the goat out, walked over to Fred, and said, "How about kissing this goat?"

It all came to a head when the other day, The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage came into my office and said, "Would you like to go shopping with the girls and me?"

Trying not to smile, I looked at her and said, "I'd rather kiss a goat."

Glaring at me with one of "those glares," she said, "What did you say? Did you just call me a goat?"

Oh boy, do I have some 'splainin' to do?

As I was trying to figure out my defense, I was reminded of what Jesus said in Matthew 12:36-37, "But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned."

The most important thing is to understand that God will hold me accountable for every word I speak, even those idle words.

Dr. James L. Snyder lives in Ocala, FL with the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage. Telephone 1-352-216-3025, e-mail jamessnyder51@gmail.com, website www.jamessnyderministries.com.