A pastor opens up about depression

I have struggled with depression for most of my life, and I am still learning to be comfortable with sharing this reality publicly, so please bear with me.

As a pastor, sharing this truth can be exceptionally difficult, given the potential of what people might conclude about you. However, I also know the value of a leader's vulnerable disclosure, especially when many people struggle with the same issue, so here it goes. If you struggle with depression, please know that you are not alone.

To be frank, I HATE depression and the need to face its occasional influence in my life. I hate how it can impede handling my responsibilities and negatively impact my intimate relationships. Those effects are not debilitating or ruinous, but I still hate them.

At the same time, I am also learning to welcome and embrace depression as a mental and an emotional indicator that something is off. Depression is incredibly uncomfortable (and can be quite painful). Still, it is ultimately trying to tell me there is something I am not seeing or feeling (a blind spot) or not wanting to see or feel (denial). It's a place where I can invite the Lord to show me what I am thinking or feeling and what may need to be changed or embraced.

Depression has also been linked to my beliefs about emotions. For years, I mainly received implicit but also explicit messages that it's not OK to feel, especially the more negative emotions. Thus, things like grief and the emotions associated with relational wounds remained buried, unacknowledged, and unprocessed.

But in the past few years, God has shown me, in some very profound ways, that emotions are not "second-class citizens," nor are they meant to be "slayed and subdued." Emotions are not meant to rule our lives. Instead, they are an intricate part of how we engage with life.

When I fully embrace my positive and negative emotions, I can wholly experience life and relationships. I can feel both the greatest joys and the deepest pains. I can experience both the beauty and the ugliness of life.

When I fully embrace my emotions, I wholly connect to myself, to others, and to God; I am fully alive. Perhaps that is, at least in part, what Jesus meant when He said, "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full," (John 10:10b, NIV).

Jim Kubiak serves as a pastor-at-large in Bonner County. He can be reached at JimKubiak7@gmail.com.