Unburdening the soul through grief (Part 2)

In the first part of this three-part series, I talked about how God has equipped us with the ability to grieve as the means of processing the losses of life. It is the normal, natural, and necessary emotional response to ANY significant loss and not just the death of a loved one.  

In this article, I will answer the question: “What does grief look like?” 

Grief is not just sadness. It encompasses a range or kaleidoscope of emotions such as anger, resentment, bitterness, anxiety, fear, guilt, numbness, loneliness, self-pity, disappointment, envy, jealousy, regret, peace, joy, and many more. We need to experience these emotions honestly and fully and express them in healthy ways to heal and recover from a loss. 

It has been said that “grieving is not the time to be brave and strong; you need to be human.” 

Sometimes, especially in the beginning, grief can feel intense and chaotic, but the emotions will moderate in both frequency and amplitude. This leads to my next point. 

Grief is a journey, a process, not an event. It takes time. The duration is specific to the loss. We can delay it, but we cannot speed it up. We don’t get over it. We get through it. 

The intensity and duration of grief is affected by a variety of factors including the degree of personal attachment, identity, and love associated with the loss, the cause, type, and suddenness of the loss, our previous experience with grief, our beliefs about and customs associated with grief (biblical, cultural, familial), our personality and coping style, and our relational support and connection to God.    

Every loss is grieved differently. No two losses are grieved the same. Thus, the specific emotions as well as their intensity, frequency, and duration will vary between losses. Also, the length of the journey will be different for each loss. Some grief journeys will be shorter, some longer. Some will be more painful and others less painful.   

In closing it is important to realize two fundamental truths about grief: 1) Avoiding grief is one form of spiritual bypassing. By this I mean we are circumventing something God intended and equipped us to experience, and 2) You can’t intellectualize grief; it is necessary to experience all the emotions associated with each loss. 

Jim Kubiak serves as a pastor-at-large and GriefShare facilitator in Bonner County. He can be reached at JimKubiak7@gmail.com.